Complimentary Art (:

HOLLAND

On my last trip to Holland, these were found in the alleys.

HAMBURG

In the malls.

Last would be just a little taste of heaven. 

Random ramble x

Love. Infatuation.

6th July 2010

1:03 p.m

Secure. Loved. Beautiful. 

You make me feel all those things. Your smile when your eyes capture my presence is like a child’s facial expression when he steps foot in a theme park. Happy and excited. Happiness flows through me when I’m within your reach. I am able to take off my mask when I’m with you. You allow me to be who I REALLY am. It is very seldom I get to do that. I guess I'm comfortable enough with you. I don’t think I can handle the fact of Love though. My heart simply cannot continue being broken. I've been hurt and I am not going to allow myself to go through that excruciating pain and again.

 He damaged me. He broke me and took away my ability to love. The feeling of being unloved has been inside me for over a year. He took my love towards him for granted. I understand that every human has a flaw. Has an imperfection. But who is he to judge me? Who is he to highlight my imperfections? He made me believe that I wasn’t good enough to even breathe his air. To walk on the same planet he lives on. Oh how vulnerable I was when I was his property. Why did I allow myself to be treated with no respect? I was like a dog running back to her owner.

I needed him to tell me how to live my life. I needed him to guide me. I bought all the bullshit he threw at me. Even though EVERYONE knew what he was doing to me or with me. Sadness and regret is the emotions that possess me when my mind excogitates on about the one man I thought I loved.

In a way you are saving me from drowning in the thoughts I have of him. You’re my angel. All I ask is for you to be patient. It will take time for me to feel love towards you. When I love, I give my ALL. My breathe, my mind, my body, and hopefully my heart. Tears are filling up my eyes as I write these words.

Memories can never truly be erased. They are there to remind me of the mistakes I’ve made. Those memories will prevent me from making those mistakes again. Let me ask you something first. Why do you love me? Why should I have your love? Questions that need answers to. Can I trust you? How do I get to know the truth? How do I know once you have my love, you won’t use it and throw it out the window? How do I know you won’t take advantage of it and take it for granted?

I am worth more than just a simple “I Love You”. I've changed. I'm not going to settle for only 3 words. You can call me selfish. But the truth is I want to be. The pain that I’ve struggled to overcome is never going to be inflicted on me again. That chapter of my life has ended. And you are my first page of the next chapter. My trust won’t be easy to gain access of anymore. I’ve realized and I’ve opened my eyes to see what the real world is. It’s actually NASTY! I'm done being my old weak, pathetic self. I still have hope though. I hope you are. Genuine. I hope you’re not feeding me bullshit. I hope you are capable of being patient and capable to wait for my love.

It probably means more to me then it would to you. But I want to love you. My heart just won’t allow it yet. I'm still gluing the pieces back together. How do I fast forward the healing process? How can I stop you from suffering? I will never stop loving him. But I will start loving you. How do you know your love towards me isn’t infatuation? How are you so confident it is love? If only our lives were easier… then maybe I could learn to love again… then only your suffering would end. 

Then only I can repay you for your patience.

Vacant.

6th July 2010

11:14 a.m

Vacant. 

The mind works in many ways, of which most of us cannot understand. It is complex and filled with imagination, thoughts, aspirations, love and many other baffling and complicated things. When one is in a situation where she is simple undesired by Him, she tends to feel as though she has no meaning. His arrogance is something she does not wish to tolerate. Hence, the saying “Love works in many ways”. She doesn’t see or feel what he’s inflicting on her. The emotional trauma she’s going through makes her oblivious and blind. She desires him more then he could ever fathom. But her efforts don’t affect him at all. The beginning was blissful and surreal. But now it’s just fallacious and painful. Observing what she is becoming is agony alone. You and I wouldn’t be able to live and breathe the way she does. Her life is full of blackness. Her canvas is no longer painted with a million vibrant colors anymore. It is black and white. Dull. Alone. Unloved.

*Just a random ramble by moi :)

Sound Is Music.

Lets just say that I have a very wide range of favourite genres. 

I am a very well rounded type of person when it comes to the type of music I allow my ears to indulge in. 

*Pssssttt! You can click on the songs and listen to them straight away

I am just nice enough to link them to the actual song :)

# One

SECONDHAND SERENADE 

This band is actually a one man show. Stunning isn't it? 

This is the kind of music that's most suitable for when your going through a heartbreak or *emo* moments. Come on people! There is nothing wrong with listening to songs while you cry 

*looks away and whistles*

My top 3 songs by them, or in this case "him" would be:

*Your Call

*Like A Knife

*Fall For You

# Two

OWL CITY

Now this band is epic. The lead singer has such a feminine yet masculine voice, it amazes me.

The songs that they sing are sometimes pointless yet sweet and adorably cute!.

In the beginning I was confused as to what message they're trying to tell me.

That was until I learnt to just Enjoy it, Accept it and Love it

Top 3 songs by them would be:

* Fireflies

* Vanilla Twilight

* The Saltwater Room

# Three

LADY GAGA

Who isn't aware of Lady Gaga?

She is the iconic freak that everyone simple either loves or hates.

And I Love Her. Her music is edgy and to the point. 

She's fearless and that is shown through her wardrobe choices. 

That's how people perceive her, well at least that's how I perceive her. :)

Her music videos are revolutionary and brilliant.

Top 3 songs by her would be:

* Bad Romance

* Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)

* Beautiful, Dirty, Rich

# Four

RIHANNA

Rihanna had developed into a strong individual due to the beatings from her ex boyfriend.

This is what we call super drama :)

Almost every song she makes tells a story which I personally can relate to.

She went from good girl to a proper rebel.

I applause and salute her victorious outcome. 

Top 3 songs by her would be:

* Only Girl In The World.

* Te Amo

* Russian Roulette 

# Five

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

MCR was a band that just like Secondhand Serenade, I grew up with. 

They have changed they're genre though since their latest album is more of a punk rock with a hint of house. 

I still prefer their old genre. ROCK.

Their songs were full of emotions and I was just simply in awe.

The lead singers voice haunts me and sometimes capable of sending a chill down my spine.

Top 3 songs by them would be:

* Helena

* I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

* Cancer

# Six

EMINEM

Not only did he have a hard life. He is also someone who made it with no nonsense.

The same way any teenage girl would drool over Edward Cullen, I drool over him.

He is full of talent and speaks the truth without fail.

This genre is Rap. I love the fact that he is confident and how he doesn't depend on anyone but himself. He is the definition of a strong character. 

He was the one who made it all on his own without any help. Salute to that :)

Top 3 songs by him would be:

* Beautiful

* Mockingbird

* When I'm Gone

I hope you now understand the different types of music that are available and how 

sometimes they can affect you no matter what genre.

Some may listen to only rock and think R&B is useless, some may think otherwise.

We are all different individuals and yet we all live on the same planet.

So music is the same thing.

Give it a chance.

I have and trust me when I say I love any song or rhythm that tells a story.

*That's another ramble by yours truly :) Hope you Enjoyed. 

Athletics Meet.

Yesterday I attended the 18th Annual Athletic Meet held by Our Own English High School, Dubai. 
If you haven't been to one, you are definitely missing out on one of the most exciting events that could ever be held by any school. It was held at the Police Stadium opposite Wafi Mall.
Hundreds of students gather on the lush green field and open the day with a marching ceremony along with reciting the athletic oath. To be honest, it was very grand.

Then the events start. I took part in the shot put, so they called the numbers along with mine and asked for us to head to the far left corner of the field where the event will be taking place. The super seniors were the first to compete. There were about 20+ students that were participating.

The first girl who threw the ball stepped into the circled area and prepared to throw. I was trying my best to practice since she looked very threatening. She was tall and large and she had won gold last year. It was nice knowing some of the participants from last year, I was familiar with quite a number of them since I also took part in shot put last year. The first girl threw the shot put and I held my breathe while it was in mid air. When it landed 8 meters away, I felt as if there was no need to continue. I felt as though it was over. That's it I wasn't going to win. Its over. Everyone else threw an average of 6-7 meters. My first throw landed at 7.10 meters and  let me just say, I was damn happy. When the 3rd round began I was feeling quite exhilarated at the fact that I was now in the 3rd position. That was until the last girl threw. Sweat already dripping down from my temples, my breathe was at a standstill. It landed with a THUD and trust me when I say that it was far. The officials measured it and the first word that came out of her mouth was "SEVEN". I didn't want to hear anything anymore. The distance was 7.18 meters. only 0.03 meters less then what I threw. I went crazy and started yelling :D I received the bronze medal. :)

After my event was the running competitions. That was insanely exciting. I was screaming and yelling my support to such an extent that i have no lost the ability to use my voice. How awesome right? -__-"

Overall the Winchester School made it to the finals for the running competitions and I haven't been informed of the results yet. When I get the results I shall promise to share it with my fellow readers. :)

For now that's all the rambling I'm capable of doing. Hope you enjoyed ;) x

Is It Really Necessary?

Everyone should know that junk food is really detrimental to your health. It doesn't take a genius to know that little piece of information. The question is do you really know why?

I will blog about the facts and all the other small pieces of information to answer that question some other time. But here is a video I made for my English class. Watch it. Please? :)

*click here*


x

Assessments.

My sincere apologies for not being able to update my blog very much for the past couple of weeks. The Winchester school is currently going through the first set of assessments and to be honest, I was not looking forward to it at all. Who would look forward to studying and taking tests/exams that would then be graded? Seriously. 

I have done almost all my papers and now I have only Business Studies to look forward to on Monday. How awesome! *sarcasm intended* :) 

Tomorrow I have the Athletes Meet, I'm participating in the short-put super seniors event. I haven't really had any training at all, so I have no clue how I'll do tomorrow. 

Well that was just a quick update on what's going on :)

Rambled by yours truly x

Profoundly Different .

How does your public image differ from your private self?

Everyone wants needs to be able to tell people who they really are, or how they really feel towards something right? Wrong. I'm sure you have no problem with showing people your real self. You have nothing to hide, you don't care much about people who judge you and you feel awesome about yourself. Some people aren't like that. 

For those of you who know me, you may say I'm always happy, smiling, lovable, strong and etc. But am I really? or is that how I want you to see me as? Not many people know my private self. Not even a handful. I always hide behind a mask which I plaster on when I'm out in public. I want people to perceive me as the strong one who never feels down. I like being the person people come to for advice and trust. 

My private self on the other hand is very different. 


When I'm alone or around people I trust, that's when I show my true self. The normal, imperfect, weak but fun self. 
I'm not trying to gain your pity here, I'm just trying to say that not everyone is what they appear to be. Not everyone is truly happy, and that's when the saying "don't judge a book by its cover" comes in handy . 
I'm lucky enough to have great friends and an awesome family. I'm lucky enough to have people to show my private side to. 
One things for sure though, one thing that my private and public self both share, and that is confidence.


I am confident about the way I look.
I am confident about how I feel. 
I am confident about my beliefs.
I am confident about my trust. 
I am confident about my life. 


I believe that everyone has a private side where they don't show just to anyone. I imagine this to be normal. So for those who can actually relate to this, don't be upset about it, because trust me, your not the only one :)


That's yet another ramble by yours truly x

Adam.

Love is baffling, unpredictable and bewildering. 

Adam is a man who has Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder which makes him stereotyped and restricted to his patterns of behaviour. That is until he meets his new neighbour Beth who changed his entire life. She shows him how to be normal by helping him out of his comfort zone and do things he wouldn't normally do. She helps him grow up and see things in a new perspective. They are two different individuals living in two separate realities. She teaches him how to love and the connection they shared from that love allowed them to live in the same world. They accepted each other through all the problems and difficulties, she accepted him for what he was. She knew that he was 'special' yet she treated him normally. 

The movie starts off with his dad passing away, leaving a mid twenties man to lead his own life. Adam led his life like he always would when his father was still alive. Doing chores, going to work, then heading home. Until one day he was fired and Beth came along. They spent time with each other and he showed her his passion for the galaxies in space. His condition didn't allow him to read facial expressions at all, so Beth had to be patient and understanding. Her parents disapproved of the relationship saying that she deserves better, but she stood strong and paid no attention to their words. 

After many obstacles she thought about her relationship with Adam and words 'I Love You'. 

I don't want to be the person to ruin the movie for you, so I would suggest you watch it for yourself. :) 

INFO - This unforgettable movie was directed by Max Mayer in 2009 in New York. The characters Adam and Beth are played by Hugh Dancy and Rose Byrne. 

Honestly, I truly hope you'll enjoy  this movie as much as I did. 

That's another ramble from yours truly ;) x

Save Him - Justin Nozuka

Justin Nozuka is a talented singer/songwriter who sang the song Save Him which honestly brought me to tears. This song is not only sad but it's also the truth. This song is telling a story about a couple who was in love and how they were living in bliss. In the song he explains how he lived next door to this couple and how he was awakened from his sleep with yelling and cries. She's begging for her life and she prayed " Save him, Save him from the hand that he beats me on." That's the chorus of the song and it really tears my heart hearing those words being sung by him with so much emotion. 


In the song he also explains how she has a child and has become hostage to the man that she loves. When she was a little girl her dad would also beat her and she never really understood why. She would get on her knees and pray saying, " Save Him, Save Him from the hand that he beats me on," She has never really experienced a non abusive relationship, she is so familiar with the abuse that she has learned to accept it. One night he is awakened yet again and this time she was beaten to a point where there was no end to the beating. The next thing he says is -
"Get up, get up", he brings her to her feet,
And smacks her down till she falls to the ground
And over and over again,
He brings her to her feet till she can no longer stand -
And still the beating never ends
On and on and on it goes
Until he brings out a gun
And says to her "stop crying and bring me my son"
She cries harder and harder
He cries harder and harder
She says "baby please don't do this"
Two shots to her chest
And a blow to his own head
She quickly loses breath and blood rushes to their bed and baby cries his eyes out.

And just like that the song ends. The first time I heard it my mind wondered on about how there are really women out there that go through this and how they have no voice. It sent a chill down my spine. It is truly painful to listen to this song because it speaks of the raw truth that no one wants to face. 

Do you remember the song by Babyface and Stevie Wonder titles How come, How long? Its the same scenario about a girl who fell in love with an abusive man who ended her life. He speaks about how she wont have a second try because we turn our backs on the truth. The truth is we might save somebody's life if we didn't ignore the signs. Speak up. 

That's another ramble by yours truly. 

Here's Justin Nozukas "Save Him"

*Click Here*

Bruises.

He loves me.

He leaves behind evidence proving his love towards me.

It hurts most of the time, but I have become immune to the pain.

I sit and stare.

When he’s not there.

Another piece of love he leaves behind is now on my white bony arm.

Blue. Black. sometimes even yellow.

He came home around one.

Looked at me with those fiery eyes.

And yet another blow.

This time his love was fierce.

This time his markings were worse.

There was red warm thick rivers’ gushing down my face.

I knew now this was it.

All I did was wait.

My vision cleared.

And I could hear,

The words I LOVE YOU escaped his lips,

The pain.

The blood.

Had disappeared.

Now I was at peace.

Then it ended.

I was Gone.

x

Hope.

This is a short story written by yours truly.

The reason why I'm writing this story is actually because my best friend wanted me to write about how he feels and what he is going through. He wanted to tell people that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and to feel love just like any other normal teenager.

Except he's gay.

 And this is His Story.

*Names have been changed*

Abandoned. Alone. Broken. As I stand on the rooftop of my apartment, I'm thinking to myself why should I continue breathing? I’ve hit a dead end with no way of escaping my fate. I'm alone. I have no reason to walk this earth anymore. No reason to continue breathing. I walk towards the end where the floor turns transparent. My toes are protruding and curling around the edge of the building. I take a deep breath hoping it will be my last and close my eyes. Oh how I wish I could just end it that easily. No more pain. Why does living have to be so bloody difficult? I think back to myself and tell myself, “Eric Towers, you are only 19 years old and you are gay. Accept it and move away from the edge.” I walk away holding my breath. Three slow steps away from flying into an abyss of happiness. One more attempt at taking my own life.

            Allow me to introduce myself officially. My name is Eric Towers. I am a 19 year old boy with dark blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I am gay. I’ve learned to accept that fact and to be honest I am quite comfortable with it. Yes, there were doubts in the beginning, but I’ve learned to overcome them. I am simply attracted to men. There’s nothing wrong with it. Is there? This is my story. My words. My thoughts. My feelings. This is who I am.

            I stepped away from the edge and continued walking barefoot home. The cold, rough and vacant gravel under my feet reminded me of my life. Every day is the same itinerary. As I am walking back home I happened to pass by a teenage couple holding hands. The boy was probably 15 years old and he was laughing and smiling about something. I want to be able to feel that. Happiness. Love. I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. Maybe its just not meant to be. Maybe I am not supposed to feel these heavenly emotions. I reach home, opened the door and turned the lights on. My apartment is quite small. Its more of a studio actually. There is a turquoise colored sofa set that was gifted to me by my boss in the middle of the room facing the TV. Sandwiched between one of the sofa’s and the wall was a single bed where I would lie awake at night. The kitchen was on the left side of the room equipped with a sink, cabinets, fridge, and a stove. My fridge was often vacant, besides a few slices of bread, cheese and orange juice.

            I walk towards the balcony and opened the sliding door to let some fresh air in. I feel  like crying. I am crying. The tears managed to poor out of me. I simply had no control over it. So there I am frozen on my bed, crying. I light a cigarette and inhale the cancer stick. I want to die. I wish Death could pluck the life out of me and take me away, to a place full of bliss. I managed to finish my cigarette then I somehow dozed off and fell asleep, curled like a cat on the floor. My knees were bent and pushed up against my chest, my arms holding them in place. The connection was warm and pleasant.

            The next morning my alarm rang at eight. I switched it off and irritably got out of bed, took a shower and got ready for work. I reached the shop at half past nine and prepared all the ingredients before opening the shop. I work eleven hours a day, six times a week at a Pizza Hut which is located in one of Europe’s longest mall’s food court on Hamburger Street in Germany. Since the shop is quite small, I am the only one in the shop, I’m alone. Not much of a surprise there. I serve whoever that wants pizza, otherwise I just stand there waiting for the next person who wants pizza.

Sometimes, I think about him. How perfect he was. How I no longer have him in my life. Its as though my heart is broken and cold, all I want is to feel love, I want to be with him. Oh, how I wish. My thoughts usually get interrupted by a customer, and I grab the spatula and scoop up a slice of pizza, place it on a paper plate and collect money. Then, I'm back to being alone. At six in the afternoon Mark would come and help me out. He’s a student and therefore only allowed to work three hours a day. Mark is a 16 year old boy with brown curly hair and warm brown eyes. I consider him one of my closest friends, since I don’t do anything but work, I spend most of my time talking to him.

Its six and Mark walks into the shop, puts his cap on and the first thing he says to me is,” hey Eric, sup?” I'm not in my best of moods today, so I end up glaring at him and replying,” get to work Mark”. He just smiles and does his job. I respect that about him actually, he doesn’t dare to say anything back. I try to push him away without a reason, I'm just antisocial I guess. The day is coming to an end and I watch mark close up the shop.

I make my way home and reached in about an hour. I sit on my windowsill, the cool fresh air blowing in my tear-stained face. A part of me feels like a knife has stabbed me, yet another part wants to tell myself to stop being so pathetic. The society I live in think I'm probably unstable. I prefer going out with other gay guys, it makes me feel “normal”. He entered my mind all of a sudden, it’s as though someone slammed open the door which leads to all my memories containing him. I whisper to myself what I wish I could tell him,” stay with me or watch me bleed because you walked out of my life and your words felt like a knife”. I'm desperate for his voice; I just want to hear it again. I feel as though I was born to tell him I love him and it kills me knowing that he’s out there living his life when I'm here wishing to end it. I see couples in love every damn day and I'm tired of being alone. I want the empty spaces between my fingers to be filled with someone’s. Someone I love. I hold my hand out in front of me and can’t help but observe the spaces and the next thing I know my cheeks are wet from the tears that manage to escape my eyes yet again.

It’s not easy being strong in front of people when inside I'm bruised, broken and unloved. Why can’t I find someone to share my bed with every night? Why can’t I find someone to play with my hair and make me laugh? Why is it so god damn difficult for someone to love me with no boundaries? Is it that I'm not good enough? Is something wrong with me? Aghhhhhh!!!! I want to be able to just SCREAM and give up! But how can I? Who would help me through this stage? With all these thoughts in my mind, I ended up crying myself to sleep. I had a dream about him. He was the definition of perfection. He broke me. His hand and my hand were locked together and he smiled at me with his green eyes. Whispering in my ear the words, “I Love You”. We were just lying in a big green field, looking up at the blue sky filled with white cotton-like clouds. I wanted to freeze that moment and to never wake up.

Unfortunately, the dream was forced to end by the ringing of my alarm. I was so happy in my dream. I guess that’s why it’s called a dream because then reality can give you a slap across the face. How time changes huh? The beginning is always blissful and surreal, and then it ends up being fallacious and painful. To make things worse I thought to myself, “God, another day of work. Ugh.” I got ready and went to work. The same sights, the same people, the same job. It’s as though someone pressed the repeat button on my life. There’s no excitement anymore, it’s really very sad actually. 

I reached the mall and prepared the ingredients, yet again. Made pizza’s and sold them. Same routine different day, that’s all. Mark would come at six after school and help out, then I left. It was half past eight and I decided to go to Voo. Voo is a gay bar located in the gay street, it was decorated with red lights everywhere and they played really mellow music. It was the place to go when you have nothing else better to do. I had something to drink and sat there on my own. I used to come here with him when he was mine. I don’t know why I enjoy rubbing salt on the wound. I knew coming here would just make me more depressed, yet I still came. “Hey there darling, what brings you here alone?” a voice appeared behind me. I turned around hoping it wasn’t who I thought it was. And thank God it wasn’t him. The hair on the back of my neck settled down, knowing it was a total stranger. “Actually I was just about to leave, nice talking to you.” I gave him a quick smile and left. He just stood there shocked.

It was almost midnight and I was headed home. I put my headphones on and blocked out the world, I feel more comfortable knowing that it was just me; I became oblivious to anything and anyone. I was listening to something by The Script. Let’s just say that the song did not make me feel any less depressed, it added to my depression actually. I got the bus and headed home. My small room with nothing else but me standing blankly in the middle, if there was one picture that could sum up my life, it would be this. I sat down at the corner of the room and said to myself,” It’s time.” I left my apartment and headed to the roof. It was the same scenario that happened just the other night. I stepped on the edge and counted to three. Before I reached the word three I slipped and then next thing I know the floor underneath my feet disappeared and I clenched my eyes shut and tried to pull myself up.

My thoughts were running wild. What if this was the way it would end? What if this was the last time I would be able to breathe? Is death really the answer? I didn’t want to die anymore, I didn’t want it to end like this. I kept slipping and my fingers couldn't get a proper grip of the rough edge which was slowly starting to slice into my palm. The pain shot through my entire body and my heartbeat was pounding against my chest. I was scared. For the first time I was actually scared. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes just the way it was supposed to. After one last try to get myself up I managed to achieve pulling myself onto the edge.

I crawled off the edge and sat with my back against the cold wet wall. I went home with dried tears and stripped myself down to just my boxers, climbed in bed and laid there, closed my eyes and went to sleep feeling hopeful about what tomorrow will bring. I’m no longer going to allow myself to feel this way. I am no longer going to be weak. I believe things will get better. All I have now that’s keeping me alive is hope.

I hope this ramble helped you understand that there is nothing wrong with being different and being unique. We are all individuals and we should be proud of it. :)

x