Love. Infatuation.

6th July 2010

1:03 p.m

Secure. Loved. Beautiful. 

You make me feel all those things. Your smile when your eyes capture my presence is like a child’s facial expression when he steps foot in a theme park. Happy and excited. Happiness flows through me when I’m within your reach. I am able to take off my mask when I’m with you. You allow me to be who I REALLY am. It is very seldom I get to do that. I guess I'm comfortable enough with you. I don’t think I can handle the fact of Love though. My heart simply cannot continue being broken. I've been hurt and I am not going to allow myself to go through that excruciating pain and again.

 He damaged me. He broke me and took away my ability to love. The feeling of being unloved has been inside me for over a year. He took my love towards him for granted. I understand that every human has a flaw. Has an imperfection. But who is he to judge me? Who is he to highlight my imperfections? He made me believe that I wasn’t good enough to even breathe his air. To walk on the same planet he lives on. Oh how vulnerable I was when I was his property. Why did I allow myself to be treated with no respect? I was like a dog running back to her owner.

I needed him to tell me how to live my life. I needed him to guide me. I bought all the bullshit he threw at me. Even though EVERYONE knew what he was doing to me or with me. Sadness and regret is the emotions that possess me when my mind excogitates on about the one man I thought I loved.

In a way you are saving me from drowning in the thoughts I have of him. You’re my angel. All I ask is for you to be patient. It will take time for me to feel love towards you. When I love, I give my ALL. My breathe, my mind, my body, and hopefully my heart. Tears are filling up my eyes as I write these words.

Memories can never truly be erased. They are there to remind me of the mistakes I’ve made. Those memories will prevent me from making those mistakes again. Let me ask you something first. Why do you love me? Why should I have your love? Questions that need answers to. Can I trust you? How do I get to know the truth? How do I know once you have my love, you won’t use it and throw it out the window? How do I know you won’t take advantage of it and take it for granted?

I am worth more than just a simple “I Love You”. I've changed. I'm not going to settle for only 3 words. You can call me selfish. But the truth is I want to be. The pain that I’ve struggled to overcome is never going to be inflicted on me again. That chapter of my life has ended. And you are my first page of the next chapter. My trust won’t be easy to gain access of anymore. I’ve realized and I’ve opened my eyes to see what the real world is. It’s actually NASTY! I'm done being my old weak, pathetic self. I still have hope though. I hope you are. Genuine. I hope you’re not feeding me bullshit. I hope you are capable of being patient and capable to wait for my love.

It probably means more to me then it would to you. But I want to love you. My heart just won’t allow it yet. I'm still gluing the pieces back together. How do I fast forward the healing process? How can I stop you from suffering? I will never stop loving him. But I will start loving you. How do you know your love towards me isn’t infatuation? How are you so confident it is love? If only our lives were easier… then maybe I could learn to love again… then only your suffering would end. 

Then only I can repay you for your patience.